“If a quotationist who uses the words and thoughts of others to make quotes is a ‘Narrow intellectual’, then a quotationist who uses their own words and thoughts to make quotes is a broad-minded intellectual.” ~ Steve Fowler
Tagged: quotes RSS
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The Quotationist
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Yelawolf
” MORE QUOTES & MORE VOTES!! “
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eajjjn
“Sometimes God uses the worst and hardest experiences in your life to bring out the best in you.” – Ed Norwood, Champions Unleashed
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Hakito
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presiterrr
Less to impress and more to express. We are who we are and are virtues are blessed………unless of course you really suck and then I can’t help you there..lol..I really need to stop creating quotes..haha…Rebecca Lambour Rudolph
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saltkid
Brilliant quotes do not pop into our heads all the time. They are a distillation of all our best thoughts. And all our stupid thoughts are soon forgotten. It’s like making good wine. It takes time.
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saltkid
Most quotes are a waste of space. This one is a classic example.
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hti111
To do something you never did, you need to be the person you never been.
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Matt
Quotes on Family
Being a parent means looking after your children, being a child means looking after your parents.Children are great healers.
Don’t bear a grudge – ‘Good Luck to them’.
Don’t lend them money – Give it to them, unless you’re really expecting to get it back.
“Even keeping the peace involves you in the war.” *
I’ve got you a present – “My Support”. *
Ignore the Bad Behaviour, Praise the Good.
Our grudges help define who we are, but don’t be afraid to re-define yourself should the opportunity present itself.
Loyalty, Respect and Trust are not one way streets.
“The Past – Reflect on it but don’t live in it.” *
‘Tit for Tat’ doesn’t work.
To try to be patient and to mediate.
You can’t buy presents for people you don’t know/never see.
You can’t live their lives for them.
Matt
Quotes on Equipment
Always charge up tonight what you will need tomorrow.
Always check your equipment before use.
Always try to have spares.
Don’t replace it unless it’s absolutely necessary.
How many x do you really need?
If it ain’t broken then don’t fix it – but I’d rather fix it before it breaks.
If you look after things then things should look after you.
“Gadgets are like pets, they need looking after and a good home to go to in the end.” *
Label it where appropriate, because we do forget.
Once you start fixing, think about replacing – “Make do and mend or Fork Out?”
That equipment needs a little love too.
That if it’s well maintained then it should last longer.
Things can get replaced, people can’t.
‘Things get damaged, things get broken’ but they’re just things.
Treat your things with respect.
Whilst annoying, always read the instructions.
dhanshekhar
“People who write quotes know life deeply “
Matt
Quotes on Entertainment
“Don’t let a good distraction become a bad habit.” *
Go waste some time; give yourself a break but “Nothing is waste of time if you use the experience wisely” – Auguste Rodin – French sculptor (1840 – 1917)
Time for Adventure! – Go Explore!
That it’s essential to entertain yourself to help you relax.
That you should only collect, do, watch and listen to what inspires you.
Our distractions do exactly that; take our minds of the things that we need to think about, to help us think about the things we need to think about, better.
Have some quotes of your own? Loin or Register (for free) and Submit Them!
Matt
Quotes on the Company
Ask not what the Company can do for you, but what you can do for the Company.
If people are flexible with the company then the company should be flexible too; That’s when employees should start to value the business, not merely rate the company.
Spend the Company’s money like it’s your own.
“That you are as expendable to the Company as the Company should be to you.” *
Have some good quotes of your own that you would like to share? Loin or Register (for free) and Submit Them!
Matt
Quotes on Chores
Do give your kids chores to do. They need to earn that pocket money.
Don’t horde it unless you need it or are really likely to need it.
Iron your underwear so you know which are the clean ones!
If it won’t fit in the drawer then you have too much – “When it’s full, it’s full.” – You can never have enough storage space though.
It’s ‘Never Ending’ so make the most of the “Sweet Spots”. *
“Keeps ya fit, doesn’t it!”
“My Lord, Today is a good day to dry!”
Our Lives aren’t immaculate so why should our homes be?
Remember, it’ll be there when you’re not.
Stay on top of the chores before they get on top of you.
That a house should be lived in, but it should also be liveable.
We all have to learn to juggle.
Have some good quotes of your own that you would like to share? Loin or Register (for free) and Submit Them!
hercolena
One does not have to be famous to write great quotes; some of the most unrecognised, yet wisest quotes have been made by the most insignificant people, wizened by life’s troubles & trials.
Matt
New Blog Post – “As my Old Man used to say quotes”
Matt
Best Office Quotes
Matt
You can now upload quotes in the form or images, videos, or whatever your heart desires!
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cna training
nice post. thanks.
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Aaa
Why is laughing and my apartment in the same sentence?
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TJ Reilly
If life is a game, then I have the cheat codes.
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Patrick
“COME ON! JUS’ TEN PURE MINUTES OF FUN GAMES!” – PJ The Creator
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Anonymous
In life always exspect the worse to save any surprices
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anthony!
Those Were The Days… when We Were Together.. Laughing or Crying.. Living Or Dying…
These Are the Days.. WHEN We Are Not Together… Even If I Am Laughing ITs Almost LIke Crying!!!!
For All My School Buddies To Let You Know.. How Much I Miss You And Your Company!!!!!
Visitor
I don’t recite quotes I make them – anonymous
Matt
Sit back, read, and enjoy some of the funniest quotes known to man! (found on leftofzen.com)
Albert Einstein Funny Quotes
1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes
7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.
8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.
Mark Twain Funny Quotes
12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Voltaire Funny Quotes
18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.
25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.
28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.
Plato Funny Quotes
29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.
32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.
33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Winston Churchill Funny Quotes
34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
35. If you are going through hell, keep going.
36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
George Carlin Funny Quotes
38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
44. What year did Jesus think it was?
45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
47. “No comment” is a comment.
48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Steve Martin Funny Quotes
50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)Steven Colbert Funny Quotes
57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.”
-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner58. On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.
61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.
63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”
65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.
Jon Stewart Funny Quotes
66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.
69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005Bill Maher Funny Quotes
71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes
75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Larry David Funny Quotes
79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.
81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”
Dennis Miller Funny Quotes
82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
Jay Leno Funny Quotes
85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes
89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes
94. When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.
95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Chris Rock Funny Quotes
96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.
99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.
Have any funny quotes of your own?! Share them on this website and let the world read and rate them!
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Funny Quotes about Life
Great collection. Nice work.
The Quotationist 6:28 am on December 4, 2011 Permalink |
How strange! So does evolution!