I read a book once, and realised that even though it was entertaining it would make no difference to whether or not I would enjoy my life. Then I wondered why I bought it in the first place.

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Did you ask to be born? No. Did you ask to die? No. Therefore, life is unfair. End of story.

If I fell down on the sidewalk, I’d land in a bucket of shit. That’s how lucky I am. And then God would do nothing to help.

If you ask someone a simple question, you won’t get an answer. If you offer someone money to answer your question, you will. People are very predictable.

You can teach a dog to walk on its hind legs, but it will still be a dog. And you can teach a Catholic to tell the truth sometimes, but it will still be a Catholic.

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All I am is the amount of money I’m chasing after. That sums me up. All I care about is the almighty dollar.

You never can have the thing you love. It always manages to slip through your fingers. For example, if you want a million dollars, you just can’t have it. If you want a girlfriend (or boyfriend), you can’t have it. If you want a holiday to Europe, you can’t have it. God always makes sure you miss out on what you want.

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Life is a piece of shit, and I’d like to flush it down the toilet.

This is the life we chose, the life we lead, and there is only one guarantee…None of us will get to see Heaven.
-Paul Newman in Road To Perdition

If there is no God, then what is the whole point of life? What is the meaning? I wish I knew. Some say that the meaning of life is to get married and start a family. Some say the meaning is to make millions of dollars. But the truth is…nobody knows.

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It might be time to grow up. If you’re older than 25, you have no excuse for whingeing about things. Think about that.

Pettiness does lead to depression. When we complain about something that is trivial, we bring on all sorts of mental disorders and problems. Never be petty.

Nothing good is going to come out of the future. But the real question is…what do you want from the future? What do you want from life?

If I had not lost an arm in a car accident, I would be happier than what I am right now. If I had had a girlfriend when I was young, I would be happier than what I am right now. If I’d never been born, I would be happier than what I am right now. If I had ten million dollars, I would be happier than what I am right now. Self-pity destroys everything around it except itself…Don’t let it destroy everything because if you do, you’ve only got yourself to blame.

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I can assure you that tomorrow you will have to deal with several problems, whether you like it or not. But how do you make problems go away? Not sure. Maybe you have to remind yourself that positive thinking conquers everything.

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The opposite word to happiness is “fear”. That’s why I aim to be fearless. And remember there are three things about life that never change…It goes on, and shit happens. And then it hits the fan.

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If I had a dollar for every time I laughed, I wouldn’t have that much money. How much money would you have? Remember…a day without laughter is a day wasted.

what have you achieved if you get everything you want out of life, but don’t appreciate it?

Life is a snapshot from Hell. It can really bore you and make you suffer. That’s why they invented anti-depressants.

What you want and what you get are always two different things. And the Buddhists believe that wanting too much causes suffering. So when you get something that isn’t quite what you wanted, remember that you never get what you want anyway. Life wasn’t meant to be easy.

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There are three things in the mind that occur naturally every day. Words, emotions, and thoughts. Choose your words carefully. Does that make sense? Use words like “hope” and “fun”. Don’t use words like “terrible” and “disappointing.” Emotion in maths…equals words plus thoughts.

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It is disappointing when things go wrong. And sometimes, it’s disappointing when things go right. How is that possible? Some people see the bad in everything.

Whether or not you like life depends on four things. The amount of money in your bank account. The amount of enemies you have. The amount of sex you’re getting. And whether or not you’ve got any brains. I definitely don’t have the last one.

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I have a dream…To become less selfish. And to share my pizza rather than eating the whole thing. There is nothing better in life than being unselfish.

It’s hard to see things from other people’s points of view. But you’ve got to sometimes. The world does not revolve around you. Think about that.